Andrew Lansley, Health Secretary and recently voted by private company lobbyists as their number one choice of cumdumpster, has hit back at critics over his planned reforms for the NHS.
“It’s simply not fair,” sobbed Lansley. “All I want to do is Americanise the NHS by ripping out its soul and offering it up to my rich mates in the private healthcare industry on a silver platter.”
When it was pointed out to Lansley that America’s healthcare system denies even basic healthcare to 40 million poverty-stricken Americans, Lansley described the situation as “fair”.
He went on, “Imagine if 40 million Brits were denied access to the NHS thanks to my reforms. Think of all the money we could save! And with a failing financial sector, Britain needs a new sector to build its society on. I’m throwing my hat in the ring, and saying that we could rise to our former glory through a booming funeral sector.”
It’s not the first time Lansley, described as bitter rival of Fred Goodwin over the title of “Britain’s Most Hated Man”, has abused his position as Health Secretary. Until December 2009, Lansley received £134 an hour for advertising services rendered to McDonalds, Unilever, Walker’s Crisps and Pizza Hut. Since his appointment, Lansley has been pushing for a relaxation of legislation in the food industry, and published a report on red meat in which the only products mentioned as containing a “good” amount of red meat were a Big Mac and a Pepperami (Unilever).*
When asked about these abuses, Lansley insisted that “abuse of power is integral to my position” and will push through any changes “hand over fist to ensure the rich get richer”.
The comments come in response after critics from within his own party described the reforms as “bat-shit insane”, “like shooting our re-election chances in the foot with a trident missile”, and “evidence that Lansley had been hitting the medicine cabinet”.
The bill continues to be pushed despite receiving heavy criticism from both the public and professional bodies. In response, the Coalition has announced the following amendments to the bill, describing them as essential to the future of both the bill, and Lansley’s vision for the NHS:
· All Conservative dissidents will be rounded up and shot.
· All NHS users will be rounded up and shot (but not in the head, as we need to make money out of them).
In addition, the healthcare bill has now been renamed the “Treating The Sick And Injured As Walking Cash Machines” bill.
Kevin Lansley, a funeral director definitely not a relation of Andrew Lansley, said, “My brother’s proposals will bring a much needed injection of dead bodies to my ailing sector.”
“People are living longer, and with a spate of technologies on the horizon such as 3D Printers that can print organs, or NASA’s biocapsule that will make diabetes a thing of the past, we need to kill as many people as possible now if we are to survive.”
PM David Cameron also spoke in support of the bill. “The NHS is sick, and Andrew is going to make them pay for it. Andrew has described his plans as a ‘Flaming Comet’, and if anyone is going to douse their arm in petrol, set light to it, and anally fist the NHS, it’s him.”
“We need to thunderfuck this Stalinist healthcare regime, and parade it around like the final moments of Gaddafi while big business defecates on its remains.”
“Privatisation works. Anyone who’s caught a train recently knows that.”
A Conservative think-tank said that the bill remains a large problem, but stressed the point that both Lansley and his bill were a problem that “we inherited from the Labour Government”.
*Not satire.
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